Enough About Me ...

Someday I aspire to star in an infomercial. Nothing tickles me more than an hour spent listening to pretty people (or stars gone desperate) explain a problem I didn't know I had before and their scientifically tested, state of the art, easy to use solution. It turns out putting on a necklace is really, really hard. Millions of women everyday struggle to get their jewelry on. Reaching behind the neck, grabbing hold of those little, tiny clasps and finding the loop is next to impossible. It's true, many examples were provided of different, real women attempting to clasp their necklace and failing. In fact, not a single woman on the infomercial was able to get their necklace on. NOT EVEN ONE. E-Z clasp didn't even attempt to open the can that is asking others such as your significant other to help you clasp your necklace. Because as we all know, that scene begins with the frustrated husband who can't get the damn thing open and why the hell do you need to wear this necklace anyway, honey … you look FINE without it can we go now? Still ... can't ... get it ... open. And ends with divorce papers. Thanks to E-Z clasp, your marriage can be saved. It's easy, it's magnetic. A woman, provided she can actually get her hands behind her head, simple needs to approximate where the two ends meet and Presto! the necklace is on. Thank you E-Z clasp. Why hassle with silly bead stores that sell those clasps at five for a dollar. Thank you for allowing me to pay you $18.00 (plus shipping and handling) for your brilliance. My marriage will stay in tact and I will get that time spent struggling back in my day to devote to more productive things.

Finally a Wonderbra for men. Behold, the WonderJock. Now women can also endure that element of surprise in a drunken love-fest, pealing off each layer getting closer and closer to the tootsie roll center only to discover you've been Frito-Layed. This bag of chips is one third chips two thirds air. Over the years, men have developed techniques to determine the big question, "are those real?" A very straightforward decision tree that forks at "Do they jiggle?" Absence of jiggle (of the jigga-jigga or cajoink-cajoink variety) leads you to a bad boob job or falsies may be present. Thanks to AussieBum, girls are now under pressure to pioneer similar techniques. "What ever happened to a cheap pair of tube socks?", says Steve Bandow. It's true, spotting the tube sock was something even an amateur could do. Now, passing bulges will spark the inner question, "… or is he just happy to see me?"

As a vegetarian, I started a canned meat collection. The centerpiece of this caboodle is One Whole Chicken in a can without giblets packed in broth. So simple, so clear about what's in the can, it represents the pure humor that can be appreciated in canned meat. Potted meat products don't take the cheery O approached to product naming. They simple state here in this can are fish balls. If KFC took the same approach, they would label their product - "fried dead bird in a bucket" (r. chavez circa 2001). Sure, there are potted meat products that have such a variety of meat parts, it renders the name impossible to pinpoint what exactly lies in the can. For that, the name is as direct as possible. Luncheon loaf, it's a loaf of meat you have for lunch. Now if we can take the canned meat naming convention and apply it to life, maybe we could spend less time decoding what she meant by "I'm fine, honey" and more time dealing with the fact that she's pissed at you for not noticing her new haircut and how cute it looks.