Enough About Me ...

There's this dude at the gym. Well, he's an old dude what's that, a granddude? He's only known by my fellow gym friends as Captain America. This name given to him from his ever so apparent United States we love you memorabilia. It was the spitting that prompted me to drop my dumbbells. That and the grunting. The spitting and the grunting, oh and the posing in the mirror. The spitting, the grunting, the posing that makes a run on the hamster wheel a jolly experience. He works out in jeans, hiking boots and mirrored sunglasses. The Hot Tamales eaten between sets sort of dropped him out of the black belt in health class. I'm so impressed that he has the commitment to work out at the gym everyday. It's people like Captain America that inspire me to just let'er go. He yiz who he yiz. Hi, I'm Captain America. I drive a BMW that carries four buttholes instead of the standard two and please don't step on my teacup poodle, Nugget.

My hunky but geeky Aussie husband corrected my yodalect by suggesting that one of the books should actually be called Program With Yoda, You Will. I like totally agree. A big Hoopdee-doo to you! And since I've already created this entry, for Yoda In A Nutshell, I'm thinking not the typical O'Reilly penciled rhino. More like a little Yoda nestled in a nutshell ala Anne Geddes. Hey, Hoopdee-doo! She's an aussie too. This entry brought to you by the country of Australia. Where's my sausage roll. It's a long way to the shop if you want one.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the past tense of hip might be, because I think that we've run out of material in the Hip Hop scene. The whole thing seems to be reduced to the cool beat, the chick or tea pot singing some melodic catch tune and of course Mr. or Ms. KeeperReal hangin' by the pool drinking bub ( A word that caught on because it rhymes with club ). I saw a dude who whispered most of his masterful rhymes, that was different. It all seems very not hip. I remember the days when Hip Hop was more hip than hop. The hip people had pot bellies and were hugely thankful that baggy was in. Then it went through the whole hop phase, thank you Mr. Hammer! Now we're at pectoral implants and lots and lots of baby oil to accentuate the six-P ( Hopefully those are real ). Neither hip nor hop really. Could it be that the grand masters are distracted with teeth whiteners and what forty of hiphopsters to appear in their video? No matter. I'm clearly missing the days when funky fresh was da bomb. The dream was creating clever libretto about life and times. This rarely included parties at the McMansion.

I want to create a new programming language called YODA so I can write Yoda For Dummies , The Yoda Cookbook, Yoda in a Nutshell and Program You Will With Yoda. Then we can all attend YodaCon 2005 in Santa Clara and talk about how cool YODA is with its lightening speed compilation and snappy DagobahBeans for efficient code reuse.

So tough to blog when you have a cold. All I got today is the bestest toy for toddlers ever. A roll of Scott Towels. Originally from California, I'm prone to using brand names (what kind of Coke do you want?), it doesn't have to be Scott per se. Actually I use Viva towels because they're like the towel that keeps on giving. And while I'm on items found on Isle 17, I'm a hard core cling wrap person, that press and seal shit is useless. Created for the masses who don't understand cling wrap. No sealing will be had using that stuff. But the toddler will enjoy the roll of paper towels. They stack them, cook them, unroll and reroll them, clean up little brothers spittle, the possibilities are endless or at least until they hit the end of the roll. Pure fun.

Here's a little paper towel art I foogled. Whoa, scary.

(Sidenote…which is actually located on the bottom)
I dug into that site a tad to make sure it wasn't corrupt and found a few lists, not for Mr. T. McS., but a few items that raised the eyebrows a bit. It was the list on Pirates which included "full broadside! Release the midgets" that stole a snicker from me. What is that all about?

Vila is the comic relief in this vintage sci-fi brit series, Blakes 7 . I would say brit-com, but the com part is really stretching it. It's really a brit-dram. Vila is one of those characters tossed in to say the funny lines or set up the snappy remarks by the cool characters, (e.g. Avon). There is a small chance that Vila is actually funny and it is the actor who is messing everything up. Some examples of funny Vila lines:
"Don't leave me here! At least leave me a torch. I don't like the dark. I like to see what I'm scared of."
"I hate personal violence, especially when I'm the person."
"I don't mind rough. It's fatal I'm not keen on!"
These one liners remind me of something written on a gift from the Hallmark store or a dusty find at a gift shop in Kentucky that involves a stuffed, shellacked frog holding a fishing line. As much as the actor might suck - and he pretty much does, the lines would flop no matter what the delivery was. I think.
Here's one of his setups that I actually do like
Vila: I've got this shocking pain right behind the eyes.
Avon: Have you considered amputation?
Oh Vila, you cheeky lovable outlaw you. I suppose you did the best you could in a series that carried out an entire season without the Blake character - yes, that is Blake, as in Blakes 7, went missing one year. I'm even doubtful that there were ever seven . Having All In The Family where it's actually not all in the family because Archie Bunker isn't in the show, just wouldn't happen in American Television. I loves me some British TV.

For many years I've been teased by many people about not knowing the lyrics to songs. I don't understand what the big deal is. I'm a dancer (note: if you're thinking dancer of the stripper kind, then you probably wear a blue tooth headset 24/7 to keep your hands free while you adjust your balls. You suck.) so I enjoy music melodically not literally. I do not see the issue at hand. In fact, I do know the lyrics to some songs.
Na-na na-na NA, Ca-rack that whip! Na-na na-na NA, Get her in the slip (okay so maybe not that line, but check me now) Na-na na-na NA, step on a ca-rack! Na-na na-na NA, ba-reak yo mama's back!
That was completely from memory, no search engine that rhymes with moogle involved. Maybe if artists were as clear as Devo, I would be able to access it.

If one doesn't cook the crap out of chicken, it actually tastes like chicken. A taste so fine that if you create a little tower and place it upon a bed of wilted kale, you could charge £29.95 for it. I cannot say the same for tofu. That seems to taste like the chicken everyone is talking about. Dress it up anyway you like, call it a frog leg, one bite and the response is, "tastes like chicken." I'm not quite keen on what the conspiracy is here, but the phrase should really read, "tastes like fermented soy bean" or if chicken really is the flavour ( this European spelling brought to you by ikeepitreal ) than the phrase should be, "tastes like unhappy caged chicken cooked in a pan on high."

Of course I only know this about chicken because I know this hunky aussie guy who cooks it for me. Perhaps that can be the distinction. Chicken actually tastes like chicken when it's cooked really well by some aussie bloke who calls it a chook.

When I cook chicken it tastes like soot.


as a follow up ...
Upon further review, Diet Caffeine Free Coke contains Potassium Benzoate to protect the taste. I stand corrected. It does have taste and it's so valuable it needs protection. From what, I do not know, but curious what it tastes like.

While exploring the special purpose of Diet Caffeine Free Coke, I discovered that it doesn't contain Soy Lecithin as originally thought. That basically threw the "vehicle for Soy Lecithin" hypothesis out the door. Soy Lecithin pops up in most snack foods, so I immediately jump to the must be bad for you conclusion. Like it's a stupid preservative or something. The top few searches say it's a remedy for fidgeting and curbing the growth of tumors, though effectiveness has not been verified. Since nothing has been verified, curious why the claim is not "curb the growth of tumors while elongating your penis." Nonetheless, Diet Caffeine Free Coke exists without it and I'm still not sure why it exists at all. No sugar, No caffeine, No taste. Someone in market research just took it a little too far. I can only presume this bright idea came from a person still clinging to their stirrup pants.

I just needed a place to put my bread. I had no idea that the damn thing kept it fresh! I'm very fond of Essential Baking's Mille Grane. However, it's one of those yuppie bread in a bag deals, so if you're not aggressive about getting through the loaf ( a good tin of salmon is a big help ) it's a doorstop in 24 hours. UNTIL I found the solution to my bread storage need. A $19.99 target special. I used to love Target, then I hated it, now I go there when I'm feeling the need to buy diapers for cheap ( I don't do Costco…I guess that's another blog ). Last time I walked into Target, I saw a future landfill. It's like crack for shoppaholics. I'm not trying to dis target shoppers, some of my best friends shop at target. I'm trying to appreciate things that last longer than the first wash. ANYWAY, the breadbox is a dream come true. I've tried transferring the bread from paper to plastic for enjoyment the day after. It's just not the same as the breadbox. It becomes all soft and crustless. Asks for a glass of water then gives me the repelling pelvis hug with two pats and doesn't call. Stick it in a breadbox over night, it's almost the same loaf of bread, just a little uglier.

Things I Own That Are Bigger Than My Breadbox That Will Probably Hit A Landfill Near You
This stupid beanbag dog I bought for my daughter thinking she'd actually use it like the happy children on the label
A cheap carpet my cats shit on every night in the basement
A Sponge Bob toilet seat converter for smaller bottoms
A pile of Isaac Mizrahi tanks tops that shrank on cold

Were I to start my own hauling business, I would title it "Haul Yeah"

Were I to start my own organic root farm, I would call it "Giga Beets" (S. Bandow, 2005, that man is on fire!)

Were I to make a new brand of ketchup, I'd call it "Vim and Vinegar"

That's all I got today.

As a follow up, when googling for the company "Haul Yeah," which happens to be out of bidness so the opportunity could be mine after all, I stumbled across this website that contains the widest range of "haul" usage I've ever seen. From "wicked haul" to "Hauler-riffic" rounding the corner with "a haul is a haul..and that is a haul....and it's a cool haul!"

Finishing with Haul & Oats saying, "Wow, nice grab!"

Woo the day I attain clevana with T. McSweeney's list website.

Rejected Lists By Timothy McSweeney

Ways People Grab My Attention Via Instant Messaging
And My Responses
yt?
- y
Guess WHAT!
- WHAT?
eh
- sup?
eh beef
- sup?
heh?
- sup

Okay, fair enough that was more of an "art for art's sake" piece. Just enjoying the random yet mundane things in life. Not clever, got it. Next list,

Three Five Syllable Words For Haiku Discovered While Failing To
Develop A List Of Good Seven Syllable Words For Haiku That When Read
Together Are Both Mildly Disturbing And Not A Haiku
Curiosity
Bestiality
Hippopotamus

Again, it's a 'b' list. No worries. I don't claim to be a writer or anything. But I get one more try right? Three wishes, three strikes, three dog night, three 'M'. Latest work,

Things Sheryl Crow Also Wants To Do Despite The Fact That She's Not The Only One
Spinning
Quilting (with lion stuffed animals)
Having the ex wife whacked (M. Schoen, 2005)
Pump out another greatest hits album

My latest one has not faired well among my small sampling so alas, I will not send. It's okay Mr. McSweeney, I'm totally not worthy, clearly. I just laid my dirty laundry out there and as I read through it, it's just not that great. So I guess here's where I say, "screw you McSweeney, and the IP you rode in on"

Any ideas on how to tie together Marathong, Shoedals (S. Bandow, 2005) and Franco-Prosciutto on Rye?

Now I can start blogging to the ether. Snap! (M. Foster, 2005) This reminds me of the apology line from Ira Glass's show American Life. Blogging is probably just a high tech confessional. Are you there #B4CDCD? It's me, jean.

My Attempts For A Unique Yet Zainy Blog URL

Beef
White Meat
Frappe
Milf
Pretty


Just as a sidenote, I believe the word “milf” only gained popularity due to its proximity to the word “muff.”